Month: December 2018

Facing my Depression, Declining Productivity and Basic Math

Facing my Depression, Declining Productivity and Basic Math

Before I say anything else, let’s be clear. This post is from the heart, not optimized for any SEO considerations at all.

Let’s start the game by getting a huge issue out of the way. Three of them to be precise.

1- I am a recovering ACOA, with all the emotional issues and baggage that come with that.

2- I have clinical depression. Have had for more than a couple of decades.

3- At forty-two years old, between my wife and I, we make what is barely enough to live on, with two university degrees and months/years of advanced training under our belts, we have enough that the bills get paid most months… This makes me VERY upset.

beware the banana gun!


Now a disclaimer:

This post will be replicated in some form on a few different sites, because it’s the genesis of a series of pushes that I want to enact in my life and in the world in general.

Let’s begin at the beginning

So, where to start? Begin at the beginning and go on in a forward-ish manner, until you come to the end; then stop. (somebody said something like that, can’t remember who)

Living with outdated frameworks and patterns

1- Ever tried to find a place without a map, or build a thing without the instructions or? Whatever. Life, when you don’t have the right tools and frameworks, paradigms, mindsets, etc, is bloody damned hard to live correctly. That’s what being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic situation is. I’m not whining; it is what it is, and learning how to get through life with a corrected game plan is the key to this. Always open-minded, always learning, never taking anything at the emotional or apparent face value.

I shouldn’t have to say it but DEPRESSION IS A REAL THING!

2- Depression is a real thing. There are days when brushing teeth and donning clothes seems like too much work. Tied into this are self-worth, personal validity, and so many other internal invisible issues to mention. I know that today’s society is actively more aware of mental health issues than at any point in our collective history, and that’s a good thing, but the day to day life of those who are afflicted with it (me in this case) are still heavily screwed up and getting through a day often involves minimizing what we deal with, or outright squashing it and soldiering through while the world goes on uncaring and indifferent.

How MUCH do you live on?

3- There are only so many hours in a day/month/year. Your most precious commodity is not money, but rather your time. I don’t have much surplus because I’m working like mad in the moments that I can spare from being a dad and father. For clarity, without taking into account leap years and other anomalies, you get a grand total of 365 days each year. That’s a grand total (average) of eight working hours per day, five days per week. So 52 x 5 x 8 = 2080 hours per year to work, on average. Some, like me, work more than that, or less depending on your definition of work. But at that point, if you’re lucky enough to manage full time, at current British Columbia minimum wage of $12.65, you as an individual would make $26,312 Gross Take Home Pay. That’s barely twice the tax exempt rate of about $11,000 on personal Canadian Taxes. This is not a good amount to live on. Say you billed out at $100 per hour, and worked that full time job; you’ve lost a full year’s worth of days with your kids, and you’ve only brought home $208,000 (which in Canada puts you in the top tax bracket, paying about 45% taxes, (NOT A DEFINITE VALUE, this is all hypothetical). So you have $100,000 to live on… not bad, but not great. How much do you have to bill out to afford a house here in BC, or a reasonably new vehicle, healthcare (above BC Medical basics), you’re looking at trying to bill out yourself at $200 plus per hour, without expenses and overhead, to even live comfortably in this land of ours (your land may differ, but life in Canada is expensive as hell). So, time to remap the game book. More on that later.

In Conclusion

Or, in other words, what the hell am I trying to say?

1- First push is to outline and plan a new approach to life, with a great deal more introspection and self-work. Y’all get to come along on that ride.

2- Depression, my old dark friend, is back with a vengeance, and it’s little sister co-dependency is tagging along. This is going to be the focus of one entire blog.

3- There has to be a better way to survive than to trade hours for dollars in this life. I’m going to die broke and alone if I can’t find the path out of this vortex that’s sucking away years of my life, and my wife’s life, and the lives of everybody I know.

Wish me luck, and it took me three days to get this post written, let’s hope that’s not a normal turn around time or this content concept is going to take for freaking ever!