Month: August 2022

I am Nothing and Everything I Shall Remain.

I am Nothing and Everything I Shall Remain.

I am nothing before YOUPhoto Credit – Wealthy Affiliate – Pixabay Public Domain

Depression is real, I suffer from it. Daily. I have real problem with getting stuck in my own head. I circle around the thought that I am worth nothing, nobody will ever love me, that I will be nothing to anybody forever, and that the world would be better off without me.

I’ve been there. More than once. Tried it a couple times. The most recent real attempt was about 15 years ago. I’ve been pushed and broken since then, tempted, but not followed through. Satan lost that battle. I know that God’s will triumphs over all. I should have died. I should be dead long since save for the hand of God. Goodness, the 200-foot fall in an ’84 Mustang should have done it. The two bottles of sedatives and three liters of whiskey should have done it. Both times there was no reason for me to have survived, save for His saving grace.

Food and Music, my drugs of choice these days. I do eat too much to kill my feelings; and music can bring me down, or lift me up; it can drive me wild into a rage, or sooth my soul.

What do you do when you know these things are true? When the world seems determined to wipe your gains from existence but His Grace allows you to keep on keeping on? Some days it’s a matter of going through the motions even though you’re barely holding it together, and the urge to smash your coffee against the wall and break down into tears is more powerful than gravity itself.

I am sitting alone in a house full of sleeping kids, my wife is off to the gym for her daily dose of endorphins (I wish I could do the same, but it’s not in the stars).

The biggest aspect of getting through today, a Thursday which will be hard enough to survive (yeah, there’s a couple big items I have to face head on today that are going to SUCK), is to just pull up my big boy pants and put a smile on and get back to work as it were.

I want to shift to a new career, where the finance thing is more of a back burner hobby type of option and the actual ‘live on it’ money is coming in from a different source that doesn’t queue up a whole raft of anxiety and other personal issues.

The thing is, I need to remove my SELF from the equation, I am here to represent Him and to do His bidding. What this means in non-religious speak to those of you who don’t believe as I do, is that you need to get out of your own head to survive the onslaught of apathy and ennui that is triggered by today’s world and today’s not world (social media anyone?).

In a simple example, to be happy in today’s world requires you to think of yourself less, and think of others and situations more. See, focusing on the things that are missing for you, while allowing you to focus, won’t give you the range scope or utilities to do anything about what’s missing.

If you focus on your empty plate, you won’t see the garden that’s teeming with food but for some basic weeding and harvesting needed.

I’ve rambled sideways enough, it’s time to get back to being dad. Kids need up, I have work to get to, and things are going to be rough today. Pray for me will you?