Month: April 2019

Restarting the steps of recovery, back at square one.

Restarting the steps of recovery, back at square one.

Courage To Change – April 5th, 2019

Apparently I needed to read this today, not three days ago, so being too busy to post seems to have worked out this time. Anyhow, yes, I am once again restarting my steps of recovery; all the way back at square one. This recovery thing is a journey, but not a direct one, it’s more of a repetitive circular ramble in the general direction of not worse.

Quick and Simple Disclaimer: The readings in this post are literally taken wholesale out of the book entitled Courage to Change. You can find it at Amazon, Here. The portion entitled Alleged Insight, well that mess is all me.

If you’re an introvert, go buy the book, if you’re a broke introvert, the text from many good books can be found HERE , if you’re in dire straits however, go find an Al-Anon Meeting, it saved me.


So onward to Today’s Reading

As wonderful as it is to see a loved one find sobriety, it often presents a whole new set of challenges. After all the years of waiting, many of us are dismayed when sobriety does not bring the happily-ever-after ending we’ve awaited. We once knew exactly what to expect, and now everything suddenly seems different. The homebody is never home; the life of the party is always sleeping; communication, intimacy, sex, responsibilities, and decision-making all change. At the same time, problems that we always attributed to drinking may persist even though the drinking has stopped. This stirs up some very strong feelings within many of us.

Even long-time Al-Anon members may find it more important than ever to go back to the basics of our program and learn once more to focus on ourselves. It’s all right to feel disappointed, skeptical, resentful, joyous, excited, or confused about our changing circumstances. By accepting what ever we feel and sharing about it with other Al Anon members, we are better able to take care of ourselves.

Today’s reminder

I will allow myself the dignity to discover exactly how I feel about the changes that are happening today, and I will share those feelings with an Al-Anon friend.

“Al-Anon gave me the awareness that what I felt did matter.”

.. . In All Our Affairs

Alleged Insight:

Oh my. Where to start. First, yes, I did need to experience this past couple of days before I could read and appreciate today’s insight. See, I’m an ACOA, I really really am. I married a drop dead gorgeous brunette with eyes I could drown in. She’s also an ACOA.

We weren’t supposed to be able to have children. Ever. Period. God had other plans. We have five.

It’s been a stressful and manic and kinda insane week. Hell, since last Friday I’ve put in a full 50 hours worth of billable work.

I think I need to find an online connection (e-mail buddy) of a sponsor type. From moment to moment, we are constantly hammered as fathers, mothers, adults in this insane always on and connected world. To be able to step back and explore how you’re feeling, that’s a treasure and a boon that so very many of us don’t have nearly enough of.

Closing thoughts:

I feel, often, like I am in a movie script, days unfold with one surprise and crisis after another. It can be likened to the story arc of a good thriller.

I have been unfolding the Al-Anon program and working the steps, kinda haphazardly. I think it’s time for me to rustle up the ACOA 12 Steps and begin again, all over again. Sometimes we have to go back to the start and re-trace our steps, in this case both literally and metaphorically.

Good luck, and I”ll be in touch, there’s still too many feelings to process and present in a good manner.

External Links:


https://adultchildren.org/

In This Moment – Mindfulness

In This Moment – Mindfulness

Courage To Change — April 4, 2019

Dropped the ball here, hey? Or maybe not? It’s the morning after at this point, and I was so very much in the moment yesterday, maybe not as mindful of what all was happening but still, totally in the moment, so much so I forgot I hadn’t posted yet. Sorry.

Quick and Simple Disclaimer: The readings in this post are literally taken wholesale out of the book entitled Courage to Change. You can find it at Amazon, Here. The portion entitled Alleged Insight, well that mess is all me.
If you’re an introvert, go buy the book, if you’re a broke introvert, the text from many good books can be found HERE , if you’re in dire straits however, go find an Al-Anon Meeting, it saved me.

So onward to Today’s Reading

I used to love the stillness of early morning, but over the years of living with an alcoholic, I stopped noticing it. Instead, I woke up the same way I went to sleep – frantic. Before I was out of bed I already had a long list of crises that needed my attention. So no matter how early I got up, I was already late. Sometimes I was so overwhelmed, I couldn’t get up at all.

My life has changed. I heard someone in Al-Anon say that when they open their eyes in the morning, they also open their ears. Now as I awaken, I listen for the birds. I choose not to review my plans for the day until I’ve had my breakfast. I prefer to take time to appreciate my favorite part of the day.

Al-Anon is helping me to clear my mind of my burdens so that I am able to enjoy the wonder of the moment. I am beginning to enjoy a childlike awe about the splendor of nature, to see the beauty all around me, to let my face break into a smile spontaneously, to laugh, to love, to live again. TodayI can say, “Good Morning God,” instead of “good God, it’s morning.”

Today’s reminder

Today I’ll be keenly aware of mys senses. I will think about what I am experiencing at this moment. I won’t let the beauty of this day slip by unnoticed.

“Real generosity toward the future consists in giving all to what is present.”

Quote: Albert Camus

Alleged Insight:

Mindfulness, being in the moment. Appreciating the beauty of what’s around us. Can any of us, in this crazy mixed up life of parenting, children, chaos, failing grandparents, and always connected to EVERYTHING, can any of us manage to be serene in the moment? I know it’s hard to be able to think straight, or even to think at all sometimes. I am under a great deal of a time crunch, it’s six thirty in the morning and I have children to wake and chivy out the door to catch their school bus.

Closing thoughts:

This morning you get my apologies for not having a moment to get this right. Enjoy the reading perhaps, and I’ll be back later with today’s readings. Duke.

What You Say Here, Let it Stay Here

What You Say Here, Let it Stay Here

Courage To Change — April 3, 2019

Ironic that this is hosted on the internet, where anonymity is always an option, and security is usually absent. One of the principle tenants of any 12 step program is anonymity and security so that true healing can begin. Now, obviously “m not following that tenet because I am the one posting these things, opening up and sharing so that others might not feel so alone or desperate. But the premise still holds true. Recovery is an individual process, as much as it’s a group effort. So what is said here, let it stay here.

Quick and Simple Disclaimer: The readings in this post are literally taken wholesale out of the book entitled Courage to Change. You can find it at Amazon, Here. The portion entitled Alleged Insight, well that mess is all me.
If you’re an introvert, go buy the book, if you’re a broke introvert, the text from many good books can be found HERE , if you’re in dire straits however, go find an Al-Anon Meeting, it saved me.


So onward to Today’s Reading

Many of us resisted comign to Al-Anon because we didn’t want anyone to know about our problems. We feared that our boss or our friends would find out, or that it would get back to the alcoholic.

These fears accompanied me to my first Al-Anon meeting. To my horror, just as I sat down one of my neighbors walked into the room and sat down across from me. What could I do now? Run?

In the midst of my panic, I noticed a sign on the table that said, “Whom you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here.” And on the wall I saw a banner with the Traditions, one of which said that anonymity is Al-Anon’s Spiritual foundation! I stayed for the meeting, but I still worried.

My neighbor never said a word to anyone. In time I began to trust that it was safe to get the help I so desperately needed, because the only one who would ever mention my membership in Al-Anon was me. To this day, I am confident that my anonymity was and always will be protected, and my gratitude is beyond measure

Today’s reminder

Unless I protect the anonymity of all members, Al-Anon will not be a safe place for any of us.

“Our free expression – so important to our recovery – rests on our sense of security, knowing that what we share at our meetings will be held in strict confidence.”

Alleged Insight:

AAiieeee….. my head hurts with this one. Anonymity, yeah, security, yes, yet anybody with any reasonable connections or skills will be able to find me.

But I’m okay with that. See, my situation is a little different. I know my demons, I have had them round for tea a few times now. Held in strictest confidence, I totally get that, and as a result, the odds of anybody opening up in the comments on these posts isn’t very high.

BUT! I don’t need you to. My therapy is words. Journaling, and working out the feelings and all that jazz, this is a good forum for me. And in my darkest times, I wished there was somewhere simple that I could follow up the readings from the day, with some insight from another soul ( like I am writing here) so I didn’t feel so alone. Being an introvert, with few real connected friends, reaching out to a person to talk about these things is not how I actually work.

So I needed something like this blog, but couldn’t find one. Hence, here we are again. (This is my third such series of blogs, the other two are archived somewhere and were good in their time).

Closing thoughts:

I would like to point out that the give and take is important, very important, to most humans, and if you can’t make it to a meeting, or you don’t have a friend to call up for coffee and a deep talk, then there are really good forums on the Al-Anon Site, you can find them HERE .

Finally, take advantage of all the privacy and security measures you know how to use regarding the internet and personal accounts, then do what you need to do for yourself. After all, if your recovery stalls, it’s not only you that suffers.

Duke.

External Links:

http://www.12stepforums.net/

unofficial Al-Anon Support network online, go take a look around. There’s some good resources and some amazing people there.

My Attitude Changes Everything

My Attitude Changes Everything

Courage To Change — April 2, 2019

I heard it said somewhere, that your life is 10% what happens and 90% what you do about it. If you start with a crappy attitude, then everything turns out no so great, but if you begin with the end in mind, and tackle life with a positive attitude, or in our cases a compassionate one, then life is amazing. Literally, your attitude changes everything.

Quick and Simple Disclaimer: The readings in this post are literally taken wholesale out of the book entitled Courage to Change. You can find it at Amazon, Here. The portion entitled Alleged Insight, well that mess is all me.
If you’re an introvert, go buy the book, if you’re a broke introvert, the text from many good books can be found HERE , if you’re in dire straits however, go find an Al-Anon Meeting, it saved me.


So onward to Today’s Reading

I have heard that the time to be especially gentle with myself is not when I’ doing well, but when I am doing poorly. I may be able to push myself hard when things are going my way, but I invite trouble if I try this when I’m already struggling to manage the basic activities of y life. I used to worry that if I didn’t push myself all the time, I would turn into a slug and nothing would get done. But my Fourth Step Inventory showed me that the opposite is true. I tend to be very hard on myself, so hard at times that I make my own life unmanageable. As a result I often accomplish less than I would if I took a more gentle approach. For me, the best antidote is the slogan, “Easy does it.”

When I notice I that I’m having trouble with my day, I try to slow down. And instead of automatically assuming that I am wrong, I try to consider the possibility that I might be right on schedule.

Today’s reminder

“Easy Does It” suggests not only that I learn to slow down, but also that I learn to lighten up. Today I will strive to take a more accepting attitude toward myself and to enjoy the day, regardless of what I achieve.

“Improving or own attitudes and our own state of mind takes time. Haste and impatience can only defeat our purposes.”

From: This is Al-Anon

Alleged Insight:

Attitude is everything. For example, right now I’m feeling upset and have a very stressed negative attitude, but the kids just got home, they’re not fighting, dinner is sorted (not cooked, but I know what has to happen and when), and the sun is shining. Hell, if I was less of a painfully shy introvert who believes everybody is making fun of him, I’d go pull up a chair by the neighbor and talk to her about inconsequential things because I’m feeling desperately alone right now as well (no adults around to talk to, only ever the kids or people calling about work).

This morning I started out with a good attitude, but something shifted when I tried a few times to reach out and open up, but life was too busy (yes, busy is a real problem in our world), at that point I started to have this very pessimistic attitude. I basically just went downhill from there, lonely, frustrated, etc. etc. Some good time out in the sun with a shovel, and accomplishing some small things around the house (the mountain of laundry is addressed, dinner is planned, that kind of thing), these things helped, but the pressure from the work I can’t seem to get to and get done is an issue.

I have to keep rebooting my positive attitude, but that’s what we do. Fall down, sure, but keep getting back up. If I were to let the attitude I came into the fight with dictate the outcome, I’d just stay down.

Closing thoughts:

Attitude is everything, again. I can’t say this enough. I really can’t. Ever tried to explain this to a preteen as they’re coming into their own full-blown emotions, trying to work through where they need to go and who they need to be? It’s frightening really, the level of incapacity that they’re dealing with at that age, and the power of the life they’re experiencing. It’s like giving a toddler a loaded gun. No wonder Romeo and Juliet both died.

Live as an example, live and teach by example, so that maybe my kids don’t end up trying to fix their own broken paradigm in their forties.

Duke.


Becoming a Member of the AAA Club

Becoming a Member of the AAA Club

Courage To Change — April 1, 2019

Not the American Auto Association. The “Three A’s” – Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. I’m not so good at the second two. Today’s reading deals with missing the Acceptance stage.

Quick and Simple Disclaimer: The readings in this post are literally taken wholesale out of the book entitled Courage to Change. You can find it at Amazon, Here. The portion entitled Alleged Insight, well that mess is all me.

If you’re an introvert, go buy the book, if you’re a broke introvert, the text from many good books can be found HERE , if you’re in dire straits however, go find an Al-Anon Meeting, it saved me.


So onward to Today’s Reading

I’ve heard acceptance mentioned at meetings as one part of the “Three A’s” – Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. However, I am inclined to try to jump from awareness to action without even pausing for acceptance. My thinking goes like this: “Something’s wrong! Quick, let me fix it before I have to feel any discomfort.”

The problem is that until I accept the situation, defect, or memory that has come to my awareness, I can rarely take effective action or live serenely with the consequences. The action doesn’t’ work or it makes things worse, and I feel helpless and hopeless. Even if it does work, I am usually too full of self-doubt to realize it. Most of the time, I still have to go back, sit still, feel the feelings, and come to some acceptance. It helps to be reminded that my Higher Power already accepts me and my situation – and loves me on the bad days as well as the good.

Today’s reminder

Moving from awareness to acceptance to action takes time, but the benefits are worth the wait. As I learn to accept my defects, circumstances, and feelings, I learn that I am a worthwhile human-being just as I am. With that kind of self-acceptance, I begin to see my options, and slowly I can begin to take action, to change.

“…someone suggested I stop concentrating on changing myself and think first about accepting myself. That gave me the boost I needed.”

Alateen – A Day at a Time

Alleged Insight:

Oh boy, where to start? Let’s go with the concept of ‘effective action’ or maybe the ‘accepting myself’ aspect. I am a mess, an over-cafienated hyper-reactive mess. Heck, I’ve spent the last eighteen hours worrying about and trying to fix something that I don’t even know is broken. Turns out that I misread a situation entirely, and spend the better part of a full 24 hours making myself miserable. What was the effective action to take in that circumstance? I didn’t accept anything. In a totally anticipated move, I went from a completely spurious and created in my head awareness, (meaning it wasn’t even a real thing) all the way to trying to take action on that thing, without being able to do anything. I spent an entire day paralyzed trying to do anything.

I accomplished absolutely nothing. I hadn’t accepted any part of any real situation, I now need to step back into that moment and pick apart why I went from A to C without stopping at B, and even A was incorrect.

Closing thoughts:

Awareness of self is just as important as awareness of situations. In my messed up view of reality, it’s not rose-coloured glasses that make it all seem soft and happy, it’s scarlet colored lenses that make everything seem like a crisis, when in fact so many things are not my problem, and it’s not my place to fix them.

Remember to aim for awareness, and true understanding of a situation before you try to figure out what to do about it, if anything.

Duke.


To Laugh is Proper to the Man…

To Laugh is Proper to the Man…

Courage To Change — March 31, 2019

Working on yourself, your life and what else is important, but as the quote from today’s reading says, joy surmounts grief and … to laugh is proper to the man. We, humans, are creatures of pain, of joy, of grace and divinity. Not any one aspect can define a man, and to focus on or dwell in one frame, one moment, only reduces us in God’s awareness.

Quick and Simple Disclaimer: The readings in this post are literally taken wholesale out of the book entitled Courage to Change. You can find it at Amazon, Here. The portion entitled Alleged Insight, well that mess is all me.
If you’re an introvert, go buy the book, if you’re a broke introvert, the text from many good books can be found HERE , if you’re in dire straits however, go find an Al-Anon Meeting, it saved me.


So onward to Today’s Reading

Al-Anon is where many of us who have lived with alcoholism begin to grow up for the first time. We learn to face the world as it really is and to take responsibility for our actions. We deal with our feelings and share honestly about our experiences. We learn about ourselves and nurture our spiritual growth and our physical and mental well being. We become responsible adults.

An important part of the serious business of recovery involves recognizing our need to have fun – to take a trip, to fly a kite, attend a concert, make noise, race down the street, or blow bubbles. Lightheartedness can put troublesome situations into perspective. It reminds us that there is more to life than the problem at hand. Taking ourselves too seriously won’t solve a problem any quicker. In fact, taking a break may help more than continuing to struggle – even Jello must be left alone in order to form as it should. A good laugh may be the best tool available to help us let go, and we’ll come back to our task refreshed.

Today’s reminder

A well-developed sense of humor helps me detach from my personal struggles and triumphs. I will avoid taking myself too seriously today.

“One Inch of joy surmounts of grief a span,

Because to laugh is proper to the man.”

Quote: Francois Rabelais

Alleged Insight:

There’s a Kenny Chesney song that fits this one today, let’s see if I can find it…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYQZJ9NUzYU

Essentiallly, while focusing on the problem will help define the problem, without some outside influence, (get yourself away for a moment), if you’re anything like me, all you’re going to do is wallow in the problem. To step away, and experience the joy allows the recovery to start happening in its own correct path.

I know that when all I do is think on what’s got me twisted in knots and my mind betraying me, I stay stuck. In fact, I get worse, not better. All the understanding and knowledge in the world won’t help me. But taking a hike with the kids, talking over coffee with the neighbor, and yes, even going to church to pray and participate in Mass, these things pull me out of myself and get me headed back down the path to recovery.

See, my brain is a traitorous thing, it will drive me to attempt suicide just because. So I have to outsmart myself in order to make headway back to the light and reason for living.

Wow, sorry, that got deep fast. Anyhow, to closing.

Closing thoughts:

Mankind does not achieve greatness through intention alone. But through excitement. The mind can only point us in the direction we need to go. Without engaging the heart and soul, we will never go anywhere. We are not machines, but were created in the image of the one who loves us unconditionally. Is it any surprise that to become the best version of ourselves, we need to involve that love in our recovery?

Take care out there,

Duke.