Wherefore Art Thou Hope And Joy?
Courage To Change – September 14, 2020
What’s it like to fight the darkness each and every moment of each and every day? Anxiety is one of the side effects of what I am going through in my life and in my head. While there are many who undoubtedly have it so much worse than I do, I am facing my own demons today and it makes seeing other’s pain and trials a little challenging. Is there a secret key to unlocking that sacred path that is so very hidden from my sight? What was I trying to say? Right, how do you find the hope of a better tomorrow, where do I look for the joy that used to be in every moment. How do I escape the feeling of constant threat. Wherefore art thou hope and joy?
Quick and Simple Disclaimer: The readings in this post are literally taken wholesale out of the book entitled Courage to Change. You can find it at Amazon, Here. The portion entitled Alleged Insight, well that mess is all me.
If you’re an introvert, go buy the book, if you’re a broke introvert, the text from many good books can be found HERE , if you’re in dire straits however, go find an Al-Anon Meeting, it saved me. *None of these links are affiliate links,
So onward to Today’s Reading
Living with alcoholism taught me that it was best not to hope for anything. The lessons were too painful — I would get excited about something, only to have my hopes shattered. As time passed and hope diminished, I fell deeper into despair. Eventually I shut down my feelings and refused to care or to hope for anything at all.
Through Al-Anon’s twelve Steps, I am discovering a spiritually that allows me to believe that there is every reason to hope. With my Higher Power’s help, regardless of my circumstances, I can feel fully alive in the moment and enjoy this feeling. The painful lessons of a lifetime are not unlearned overnight, but Al-Anon is helping me to learn that it is safe to feel, to hope, even to dream.
Today’s reminder
It’s risky to care — I may be disappointed. But in trying to protect myself from the pain, I could cut myself off from the many delights that life has to offer. I will live more fully today.
“Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.” Samuel Ullman
Alleged Insight:
Oh God, what would you have me do?
Do I stay or do I go now? The joy is gone, replaced by constant anxiety and fear. The rage took over yesterday, and nothing survived, again. I can see my part in the problems that are happening, but what do I do about the things I have no control over?
In truth, I suppose that is the answer to the question, framed in the question already. I have no control over the things over which I have no control. I know that I can’t change others feelings or moods, that to try to derail a series of events, to try to control the outcome of anything but my own actions is pointless. I know this in my head. But my heart is so very much more powerful than my mind on a good many occasions.
I get so wrapped up and messed up in my own head, with the what if’s and unsaid words that are blindingly important to me but of no concern to others, I need to get rid of myself in the equation. I know this, but the question becomes and has always been “How?!?!?!”
What’s the answer to that question. How do I do it? How do I not follow others down their paths when I know that it is toxic to me and my mental health.
I think it’s time to go do some reading, since I only just re-located the Al-Anon Forums that I used to haunt.
https://alanon.activeboard.com/
Closing thoughts:
Yesterday I saw my father rage out of my house, scaring my family. He died in 2003. I have become him after a fashion.
I am starting to feel that there is no redemption for myself in this mess, I start to feel that I can’t be helped and that I will never be any better than I am.
I know in my heart, (and my one remaining close friend who still talks to me confirms it) that this isn’t true, but oh my Lord, it’s so hard in the moment to look to You and not question your plans. As temporary and feeble as my life is, it is still unbelievably hard to put faith in your plans for me. Please help me to have faith and trust in your plan My Lord.
And for everybody reading this, sorry if the twist offends you, but I am who I am, fallible and frail though I might be. If you can’t sanction talk of Him or Her, then my posts aren’t likely to be a flavour you like. Until next time, God bless you.
Duke.