September, 2020 - Rebuilding Your Foundation out of Chaos

I Am Not In Control, I Hope God Is.

By DukeOfChaos | September 16, 2020 | Comments 0 Comment

Courage To Change – September 16, 2020

There’s a meme somewhere that asks “Do you ever wonder if you’re in season five of the episodes of your life, and the writers/directors are just tossing in random crazy stuff to keep the audience interested?” Life goes like that sometimes. It really really does. My life, if you read the previous two posts, is really not good of late. Too much stress, too much pain, not enough connection and self-love, all in all, it’s a damned mess. Emphasis on the Damned part if we’re asking about my feelings on this matter. But today’s reading brought tears to my eyes and a whisper of hope to my bleeding heart. I am not in control. I am powerless over the outcome of my actions and how other’s may respond to them. I can try (or not) to make choices for good (or reactively destroy everything) but ultimately the results of those choices are out of my hands. My actions are mine, their results I can be held responsible for, true, but what actually happens is beyond my control. A benign example if you will. I am heading out to get firewood here shortly (in a day or two), and will be cutting down standing dead trees that need to come down, for the purpose of turning them into firewood. I can scout the trees, choose how and where to cut at what angles and use all my skill to try to have the tree fall in the right spot, but ultimately when it’s starts to fall, the results of all my actions to this point are out of my hands. The tree will now fall where and how it wants to based on more factors than I can control. Life is also like that I suppose. My actions, my choices, my decisions, my responsibility. But in the end, I am not in control, I truly hope God is.

If you’re an introvert, go buy the book, if you’re a broke introvert, the text from many good books can be found HERE , if you’re in dire straits however, go find an Al-Anon Meeting, it saved me. *None of these links are affiliate links,

So onward to Today’s Reading

Normally I’d have a picture of today’s text here for your edification, but I am sorry, I don’t have that picture available for today’s reading. You’ll have to pick up a copy of the book for yourself.

___

In the fact of seemingly impossible problems, it is easy to believe that our most negative thoughts reflect the truth. They plead the worst case scenario in a very convincing way, until it almost seems frivolous to consider a positive outcome. Yet the loudest voice is not necessarily the truest.

No matter how insistent a feeling may be, it is just a feeling, not a prophecy. We don’t get to know today what will happen tomorrow. Counting on any particular outcome can lead to disappointment, but sometimes it helps to remember that a positive outcome is just as likely as a negative one.

We are powerless over the results of our actions. We can try to make wise choices [I fail so hard at this one] today, but what will happen in the future is out of our hands. Since we can’t know what to expect, why not trust that a Higher Power can use whatever happens to further our growth?

Today’s reminder

Today I will place the future in my Higher Power’s hands. I trust that by turning it over, it can be used for my good.

Alleged Insight:

Truthfully, there’s not much more to add that I haven’t already said in the title and first paragraph above. It’s out of my hands, and I am tired. See I have this little girl, and she fell asleep at about 8:30 last night, but then woke up at around 12:45 am here on me. I spent the next hour after that trying to settle her back down. Thus by 2:00 am, she’s sound asleep on the couch and I am wide awake. So I thought to sit and read today’s reading. God’s plan for me? My actions and choices? I don’t know. All I really know is that today I have the reading inside of me now and this post has been done, and I have some solid insight on things that means I stand a better chance of getting through today without it going so horribly wrong like it has in the past few days.

I’ll leave you with this and try to get back to sleep for the three hours I have until the boys need to be up for school.

Duke.

Nothing Is Good Or Bad,It’s Thinking That Makes It So

By DukeOfChaos | September 15, 2020 | Comments 0 Comment

Courage To Change – September 15, 2020

How often have I been told, gaslighted by people in my past, by the line that it’s all in my head. The truth is that they were 100% correct, just not in the way they think. It’s not so much that I was making it all up and (my estranged ex) was blameless in the entire situation. The truth is that what goes on between my ears is 100% in my head. My interpretation of the situation, impetus, or issue, is 100% on me, and nobody else. If I am hurt by a statement or an action, that does not make such a thing itself wrong or bad, and/or make it good. What matters at this point is more accurately how I receive and interpret that input. The title above, a quote, has never been more true than it is for me now. “Nothing is either good or bad. It’s thinking that makes it so.”

Quick and Simple Disclaimer: The readings in this post are literally taken wholesale out of the book entitled Courage to Change. You can find it at Amazon, Here. The portion entitled Alleged Insight, well that mess is all me.
If you’re an introvert, go buy the book, if you’re a broke introvert, the text from many good books can be found HERE , if you’re in dire straits however, go find an Al-Anon Meeting, it saved me. *None of these links are affiliate links,

So onward to Today’s Reading

Night after sleepless night, I tossed and turned and worried. Why couldn’t I sleep? What was the matter with me? My life was stressful, but no more so than usual. I’d tried hot milk, reading in bed, soft music, even a visit to the doctor, but still I couldn’t get more than a few hours sleep. I was in a panic!

I spoke about my concerns in an Al-Anon meeting, and another member related a similar problem. What had helped him was to accept the situation fully and admit that he was powerless to make himself sleep. In retrospect, he said, his sleeplessness has been a blessing; it had kept him too tired to get into trouble.

I realized the same was true for me. Instead of worrying compulsively about a loved one’s sobriety, watchful and nosy despite many attempts to mind my own business, lately I’ve been too tired to be overly involved in anything that wasn’t my concern. I had often prayed to be released from my obsessive worry, and now in an unexpected way, my prayers seem to have been answered.

Today’s reminder

My Higher Power’s gifts sometimes take unusual forms. Perhaps something I regard as a problem is really a form of assistance.

“Nothing is either good or bad. It’s thinking that makes it so.”

Benjamin Franklin

Alleged Insight:

It’s been a bad few days. I won’t even begin to try to explain it but it’s been bad. Things are worse than they have been in a long time. How is this a gift from my Higher Power? What’s God got in mind for this man’s future? I have a wife who needs all of my everything, but is willing to compromise on, consider or give back absolutely nothing to me. She’s been burned too often, and is overwhelmed and burnt out to the point where she has nothing left to give. That this always happens when I am approaching rock bottom emotionally myself is a hard truth to accept.

What do you do when you’re at your breaking point, and everybody you can lean on is approaching critical failure? Parenting is like this. I guess the simple answer is that when there’s no option to get away, to break down, we don’t have that option. I am living proof of the fact that good intentions aren’t reality. I broke. When there was nowhere else to go, I became the worst possible version of myself, it was bad, really bad.

My father’s worst problems reared their ugly head in my self. I’m not sure that some things I broke can be fixed anymore from this time. At some point I do too much damage, all for want of feeling loved and validated rather than dismissed and invalidated.

There is a lesson here, and I can probably pontificate on what it should be, but truth is that I am in a monumental amount of pain in my heart and soul; pain which doesnt even being to touch the level of damage I likely did to those I thought I loved. How could I do that to them? I don’t know anymore. These are the truthful words of a broken man staring at the wreckage of his life wondering how to go on.

Closing thoughts:

The demons of our past don’t ever leave us, they just hide and wait until we’re so close to breaking, then they give us the slightest push to make sure we do ourselves in. We need to start talking about this crap, or our kids will have to fight our demons. I don’t know about you, but I sure as hell don’t want to leave my demons for my children. I am afraid that in the case of the older ones, I might be too late.

Duke.

Wherefore Art Thou Hope And Joy?

By DukeOfChaos | September 14, 2020 | Comments 0 Comment

Courage To Change – September 14, 2020

What’s it like to fight the darkness each and every moment of each and every day? Anxiety is one of the side effects of what I am going through in my life and in my head. While there are many who undoubtedly have it so much worse than I do, I am facing my own demons today and it makes seeing other’s pain and trials a little challenging. Is there a secret key to unlocking that sacred path that is so very hidden from my sight? What was I trying to say? Right, how do you find the hope of a better tomorrow, where do I look for the joy that used to be in every moment. How do I escape the feeling of constant threat. Wherefore art thou hope and joy?

So onward to Today’s Reading

Living with alcoholism taught me that it was best not to hope for anything. The lessons were too painful — I would get excited about something, only to have my hopes shattered. As time passed and hope diminished, I fell deeper into despair. Eventually I shut down my feelings and refused to care or to hope for anything at all.

Through Al-Anon’s twelve Steps, I am discovering a spiritually that allows me to believe that there is every reason to hope. With my Higher Power’s help, regardless of my circumstances, I can feel fully alive in the moment and enjoy this feeling. The painful lessons of a lifetime are not unlearned overnight, but Al-Anon is helping me to learn that it is safe to feel, to hope, even to dream.

Today’s reminder

It’s risky to care — I may be disappointed. But in trying to protect myself from the pain, I could cut myself off from the many delights that life has to offer. I will live more fully today.

“Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.” Samuel Ullman

Alleged Insight:

Oh God, what would you have me do?

Do I stay or do I go now? The joy is gone, replaced by constant anxiety and fear. The rage took over yesterday, and nothing survived, again. I can see my part in the problems that are happening, but what do I do about the things I have no control over?

In truth, I suppose that is the answer to the question, framed in the question already. I have no control over the things over which I have no control. I know that I can’t change others feelings or moods, that to try to derail a series of events, to try to control the outcome of anything but my own actions is pointless. I know this in my head. But my heart is so very much more powerful than my mind on a good many occasions.

I get so wrapped up and messed up in my own head, with the what if’s and unsaid words that are blindingly important to me but of no concern to others, I need to get rid of myself in the equation. I know this, but the question becomes and has always been “How?!?!?!”

What’s the answer to that question. How do I do it? How do I not follow others down their paths when I know that it is toxic to me and my mental health.

I think it’s time to go do some reading, since I only just re-located the Al-Anon Forums that I used to haunt.

https://alanon.activeboard.com/

Closing thoughts:

Yesterday I saw my father rage out of my house, scaring my family. He died in 2003. I have become him after a fashion.

I am starting to feel that there is no redemption for myself in this mess, I start to feel that I can’t be helped and that I will never be any better than I am.

I know in my heart, (and my one remaining close friend who still talks to me confirms it) that this isn’t true, but oh my Lord, it’s so hard in the moment to look to You and not question your plans. As temporary and feeble as my life is, it is still unbelievably hard to put faith in your plans for me. Please help me to have faith and trust in your plan My Lord.

And for everybody reading this, sorry if the twist offends you, but I am who I am, fallible and frail though I might be. If you can’t sanction talk of Him or Her, then my posts aren’t likely to be a flavour you like. Until next time, God bless you.

Duke.