Month: August 2020

My Actions Define Me and My Whole Family

My Actions Define Me and My Whole Family

One Day At A Time – August 19, 2020

Photo by Heshan Perera on Unsplash

I am the father of six children, five at home, and the husband of an amazing woman who does more than I can even imagine. I don’t deserve the riches I have been gifted by God. I am however, prone to failure as all men are. I get upset, I vent and rage on occasion. When hurt deeply I have in the past reacted by lashing out. All of these reactions are a short-cut emotional response where I didn’t take the time to respond as I should have. There are a great many things that I still need to work on not bringing forward with me to the current situation. Patterns of behavior are the hardest damned thing to change. Opinions, feelings, emotions; with intentional concentration I can sometimes manage to put myself apart from those, to respond rather than react. But I am still left with my actions, my patterns of behavior.

All the good intentions in the world don’t make any difference if I am still reacting and doing in the manner that damages those around me. My actions, not my intentions, define me and set the tone for my whole family.

Quick and Simple Disclaimer: The readings in this post are literally taken wholesale out of the book entitled Courage to Change. You can find it at Amazon, Here. The portion entitled Alleged Insight, well that mess is all me.

If you’re an introvert, go buy the book, if you’re a broke introvert, the text from many good books can be found HERE , if you’re in dire straits however, go find an Al-Anon Meeting, it saved me. *None of these links are affiliate links.

Picture by Author of daily reading

Photo by Author of page from today’s reading in the book Al-Anon One Day At A Time

So- The Text of Today’s Reading

My attitude toward another — whether drinking or not — can have untold influence on the life of my family. Perhaps, through long drinking years, I acquired the habit of tearing him down, showing my contempt for his actions, indignation at the neglect of obligations. I am responsible for the consequences of such attitudes. Even a little understanding and compassion will show us that our behavior is ego-destroying, and the ego of the drinker is already painfully battered by guilt and fear.

Today’s reminder

I never want to forget that my spouse, with whatever faults he or she may have, is a child of God, and is therefore entitled to my respect and consideration. I will guard against assuming the role of judge and punisher, for I cannot destroy another person without inflicting great damage on myself.

“It is easy, terribly easy, to shake a man’s faith in himself.

To take advantage of that to break a man’s spirit, is devil’s work.”

(G.B Shaw: Candida)

Alleged Insight:

A sign of maturity is that you can accept into yourself ownership of your own stupid and hurtful behaviours and decisions. Blaming others for your failings never works in the long run, and the consequences are usually toxic at best. What’s more, if I am to blame others for my choices and behaviours, what does that say about me? Alternatively, if I lash out at others because of my own emotional responses to stimuli outside of me, that also indicates that I am not mature enough to respond rather than reacting to a situation.

Having said all that, emotions are powerful things, and one of our main goals in life is to become more emotionally stable and strong (at least one of mine is), so learning to walk a better path of progress is not the same as having arrived. I still fail and fall, and for that I often and profusely apologize to those I hurt or frighten. I miss the mark more often than I mange to hit it. I am just really starting out on this path of mine. It’s going to be a long haul, and I can be kind enough to myself to be understanding, rather than harmful in my treatment of myself in this situation.

I do hope that made sense. I am trying to express what is only barely understood by me at this point. Oddly enough, by the time I can express it clearly, I’ll likely not even think about it happening, much like breathing, it becomes part of what I am doing right, so I’ll shift to another problem area and focus on that.

Take care of yourself, be kind to others and self, and remember, you’re basically a houseplant with complicated emotions; drink lots of water, get quality sunlight, and nap often.

Duke.



Yesterday Is Gone, Embrace Today’s Beauty

Yesterday Is Gone, Embrace Today’s Beauty

Courage To Change – August 18, 2020

Like this rose on the railway track, the horror of a moment is but a fleeting point in time. We can be all consumed by its fragrance, it’s perfect obsession, but to dwell there is not living. Living, one day, one hour, one moment at a time means that the moment becomes the past, and we grow into the future. To treasure that past, sorrows or joys, to cling to it, robs you of the moment’s that you are living in now.

Quick and Simple Disclaimer: The readings in this post are literally taken wholesale out of the book entitled Courage to Change. You can find it at Amazon, Here. The portion entitled Alleged Insight, well that mess is all me.

If you’re an introvert, go buy the book, if you’re a broke introvert, the text from many good books can be found HERE , if you’re in dire straits however, go find an Al-Anon Meeting, it saved me. *None of these links are affiliate links,


So onward to Today’s Reading

Some of us had a long list of grievances against the alcoholic, especially while the drinking was still active. The worse possible thing we can do is to remember them, dwell on them, and polish up our halos of martyrdom. The very best we can do is to erase them from memory, so each new day becomes an opportunity to make things better.

It is not my assignment to keep an inventory of my spouse’s faults and misbehavior. My task is to watch for my own and root them out, so that what I say and do will help make things better for me and for my family.

Today’s reminder

Storing up grievances is more than a waste of time; it’s a waste of life that could be lived to greater satisfaction. If I keep a record of oppression and indignities, I am restoring them to painful reality.

I’ve found they’re surprisingly easy to forget, once I start using the A-Anon program each day.

“The horror of that moment,” the King said,

“I shall never, never forget.”

“You will, thought,” said the Queen, “if you don’t make a memorandum of it.”

–(Lewis Carroll: Through the Looking Glass)

Alleged Insight:

So much to say, so little coherence. I am bad for holding onto the hurts, of waiting for others to realize the depth of the damage they caused, and expecting them to make amends because they’re good people who want me to be happy. How narcissistic is that of me?

There’s a meme that I need to go find… Ah, here it is…

Can I even begin to explain how hard it is to do this, especially for in introverted empathetic over-thinker?

I think, without dragging anymore maudlin introspection and self-pity into this, that I need to go do some work on me in this regard.

So without further ado, I am off to go and do some fearless moral inventory type work. I leave you with God’s blessing and all my best wishes.

Cheers.

Duke.

Starting over is Cathartic

Starting over is Cathartic

Courage To Change – August 17, 2020

Fall down seven times, get up eight. That’s a line that I read somewhere, probably a Chinese philosophy book when I was looking into Karate. The lesson is on point however. In recovery, it’s not a straight line. Hell, it’s not even a twisted continuous line. My recovery looks like a dotted line with gaps and page changes and wholesale plot jumps in it. But the best part about a path of recovery is that no matter how many times we get derailed, each day is a new chance to start again and try to do better than the day before. Each time you start over, you get a chance to transcend your past mistakes. Starting over is cathartic

Quick and Simple Disclaimer: The readings in this post are literally taken wholesale out of the book entitled Courage to Change. You can find it at Amazon, Here. The portion entitled Alleged Insight, well that mess is all me.
If you’re an introvert, go buy the book, if you’re a broke introvert, the text from many good books can be found HERE , if you’re in dire straits however, go find an Al-Anon Meeting, it saved me. *None of these links are affiliate links,


So onward to Today’s Reading

We sometimes forget what a painful experience it was to come to our first Al-Anon meeting. Remember the whirling thoughts, the fears, the uncertainty? Uneasy questions came crowding into our minds: “Is it the right thing to do?” — “What will she say if she finds out?” — “Am I disgracing my family by admitting that —– drinks too much?” — “What if somebody tells I was there

Then we were reassured to discover that Al-Anon has a protective cloak of anonymity for us. Every member understands that no word of the proceedings must ever go beyond the meeting room, and especially that no names should ever be mentioned.

Today’s reminder

The newcomer to Al-Anon immediately feels comforted and safe when he learns that he can talk freely without fear of having anything repeated. We owe him this assurance. We are committed to it by our own Traditions, as well as by our personal need for protection against careless gossip.

I will remind myself daily that I must guard against revealing anything concerning Al-Anon or an AA member.

Tradition Twelve: Anonymity is the

spiritual foundation of all our

Traditions, ever reminding us to

place principles above personalities.

Alleged Insight:

To walk into a meeting again, for the first time. To know that you’re going to face those individuals who have already heard it from you before.

Just knowing they know, is so intimidating. So scary. But in these meetings, in these circles of support, starting over is merely that. No judgment, no shame, no guidelines to meet aside from being supportive and maintaining the anonymity throughout. Starting over, accepting my past, my mistakes, and generally not giving me too hard a time about it allows me to get on with the ‘taking action’ stage of recovery.

Wallowing in the self-flagellation stage never helped anybody. I don’t know about you, but passing through the self-criticism stage is like a fire swamp with hidden quicksand pits that I have to pass through while blindfolded in a heavy fog. Knowing that the only one keeping me from getting through it is me (My own worst enemy), perversely helps me to pass through this stage and learn from it.

Closing thoughts:

When I fall, the biggest issue I used to have to face was getting back up. Over time the getting up part was easy enough, but I kept repeating the old patterns. The important part became learning from my past mistakes, and then Starting Over with a new game plan.

P.S. We need to start talking about this crap, or our kids will have to fight our demons. I don’t know about you, but I sure as hell don’t want to leave my demons for my children. Duke.


No Matter Where You Run To, There You Are.

No Matter Where You Run To, There You Are.

One Day at A Time – August 1, 2020

So, tried running away lately? I used to hear the old jokes from my father, ‘Running away? Here, let me pack you a lunch so you don’t get hungry and come home too soon.” It’s no secret that much of today’s world is a mess, and our lives are often doubly so. Trying to get away from it all is a fantasy, as noted below, but the truth is that we often just want to ‘run away from it all’ at least I know I sure do. However, having traversed the country at a formative age, and picked up and moved out (ran away) more than a couple times, I can with all authority state that I took all the things I wanted to get away from, with me. It is true that no matter where you run to, there you are.

Quick and Simple Disclaimer: The readings in this post are literally taken wholesale out of the book entitled Courage to Change. You can find it at Amazon, Here. The portion entitled Alleged Insight, well that mess is all me.

If you’re an introvert, go buy the book, if you’re a broke introvert, the text from many good books can be found HERE , if you’re in dire straits however, go find an Al-Anon Meeting, it saved me. *None of these links are affiliate links.


So onward to Today’s Reading

Perhaps many of us have had the thought, at one time and another, “Oh, if I could only run away from all this and start all over again.”

We think a fresh beginning would solve everything; that we wouldn’t make the same mistakes again, and so we’d have a chance to be happy.

Of course, we know that this is a childish fantasy. The very idea that we can entertain such a notion should make us a little doubtful of our maturity. For we know perfectly well — admit it or not — that we’d be taking our troubles with us. We can’t run away from ourselves.

Isn’t this clear proof that many of our troubles are self-created — many of our personal agonies self-inflicted.

Today’s reminder

A big step toward maturing is to realize that I cannot change conditions by running away from them. I can only change my point of view about them and their relation to me – and this can be done only by changing myself.

“Little by little I can change my world — not by escaping to a new one with the same old me, but by making a new me out of the old one.”

Alleged Insight:

So, my worst enemy is my own self. This post is literally seventeen days late, and with kids and life, it’s been a challenge to say the least. I have a great many things to get done today, and this post started four days ago when I was already starting to be overwhelmed.

In truth, owning the chaotically littered mayhem of my life is the first step towards realizing that I cannot change my external world and expect to have my internal self change for the better.

Closing thoughts:

Life’s a dance that we learn as we go. (yeah, I stole that from a song, here)

I cannot dance, but just because I can’t, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try. So here’s to the dance. Try not to trip over your own feet.

P.S. We need to start talking about this crap, or our kids will have to fight our demons. I don’t know about you, but I sure as hell don’t want to leave my demons for my children. Duke.