Today is the day it all starts again, somewhat anyhow. See, we’re buying a home in the next few weeks, the crazy part is mostly done, now it’s time to sit back and try not to go nuts with waiting and anxiety and stress. But back to analogy, fire is a scary thing, unless it’s under your control, usually.

Today’s reading is more about framing our understanding than about campfires or anything like it, but analogy’s are helpful to those of us trying to engage with a narrative and a story. In essence, fire will only burn with a fuel to burn and an environment in which to do so, in other words, combustible material and enough free oxygen to support combustion. Fire, with none of these, will die. Fire missing only one of these, will die. Don’t believe me? Try lighting a candle, then put an inverted glass over it, how long will it stay lit? When the oxygen is gone, the flame goes out, simple science.

Quick and Simple Disclaimer: The readings in this post are literally taken wholesale out of the book entitled One Day at a Time In Al-Anon. You can find it at Amazon, E-Bay or Here. The portion entitled Alleged Insight, well that mess is all me.

If you’re an introvert, go buy the book, if you’re a broke introvert, the text from many good books can be found HERE , if you’re in dire straits however, go find an Al-Anon Meeting, it saved me. *None of these links are affiliate links,

**Quoted from Page 24 in One Day At A Time in Al-Anon (the little blue book)

Today’s Reading

Did I realize, when I came into Al-Anon, that alcoholism was not something the drinker could control by sheer will power alone? Of course I didn’t! But when I have heard, over and over again, that the alcoholic suffers from a disease, why do I still speak and act toward him as though he were willfully bad? I know, when I reflect on it, that the alcoholic is basically a good and sensitive human being, but until this thought is firmly implanted in my mind, I will be unable to reflect it in my actions.

Today’s reminder

Arguments are useless against a sickness. Compassion and understanding on my part can have the power to heal because they will teach me not to punish. Even if the serenity I acquire in Al-Anon brings no change to the alcoholic, it will at least have strengthened me to face my problems more reasonably.

Quote:

“I pray to remember, every day, every hour, and especially in times of crisis, that hostile behavior on my part will only add fuel to a fire that could destroy us both.”

Alleged Insight:

Well, in 2013 (ten years ago now) I was all about trying to become more loving in a moment of fight and conflict, you can go read it yourself HERE, it’s towards the bottom, as this was January’s page for posts on my old blog, (scary that it still up on WordPress free sites).

Today’s insight, with ten years and three more kids in the house, is a little more in depth and focused at the same time. See, one of those three kids is my little fire child. To clarify, she’s got a spine of steel, with a temper to match and absolutely no restraint whatsoever. To say she’s loud and aggressive is a massive understatement. Dirven and passionate is the nice way to describe her.

So, where was I going with that? How do you parent a child that’s literally one word away from exploding in an emotional hurricane of epic proportions? Today’s reading gives me hope that it’s possible. Al-Anon seems to apply to so many situations in our lives, the skills it imparts, the lessons it outlines, they are not specific to one person in our lives but rather they apply to us and how we live our lives.

In this circumstance, with my lack of patience as a parent, meeting aggression with aggression, getting loud to counter the meltdowns, that’s not a productive, or even healthy means of doing things. In short, meeting fire with fire, does not work as a parent. I can’t count the times I have read that we as parents need to be the calm space in which our children can express themselves; and I try, I really try to do this, but as often as not I end up being as loud as they are to put the brakes on escalation, and with nobody I can tag in so I could go calm down, this is a skill I am still actively trying to develop in myself. The skill of remaining calm in the face of adversity.

To bring this full circle and try to make the point I’ve been wandering around for several paragraphs, you can only fight someone if they’re willing to be in that fight. So, when she’s amped up to 100, and just bleeding off aggression and emotion, looking to reach out and hurt someone to validate her feelings, then that’s the point at which I get to safely hold space for her, remove the other combatant (me, and often her brothers), and then just let her have her super big feelings while protecting the rest of us. Gosh it’s exhausting, but not any more so than getting down and into the arguments with her.

Closing thoughts:

Lesson learned. Parenting loud, while instinctively feeling right in the moment, doesn’t do much good. In fact, it validates their strong feelings and overwhelm. If I remove myself from the fight, then there’s nobody left fighting, and the feelings all just die down after being expressed and felt. Y’all don’t need to show up to every argument or fight you’re invited to. Don’t keep feeding the fire. I am my own person, and someone else’s feelings and situation are not mine. I cannot make any other person behave in a specific manner, and cannot control them, nor should I even try. When it comes to children, I can guide, show them the better path, and work on modeling the best behavior I can for them to learn from. What I must not do however, is to circle up and fight back, as that only compounds the issues that we are facing in the moment.

P.S. We need to start talking about this crap, or our kids will have to fight our demons. I don’t know about you, but I sure as hell don’t want to leave my demons for my children. Duke.